So i understand that what happened yesterday was both of our faults, Although it seems to happen sometimes it never gets easier. Although things got out of hand, sometimes it just feels like something between us, some reason that we always want the other person to leave before they get hurt. Truth is we are still scared of our insecurities, but then again who isnt. there are a lot of couples that may never hash things out and in the end it turns out in divorce. Im not saying that things are always how they look, but i know that deep down there is always that risk. I have loved this girl like she has never been loved before and like i never have loved anyone. One thing i know is that these nights are probably going to happen again, but i will not stop loving her, i would rather have a fight like that every once in a great while than have my partner pretend that everything is ok and then leave me when i had no idea that something was wrong. I just want her to be happy and i know i can do that, i know that she is confused about alot of things in her life right now, but i know we will be fine when she starts to figure things out.
Im insecure, i admit that. every girl i have ever dated has left me for someone else. i had my first real girlfriend when i was 15 years old and she of course told me that has stuck with me ever since, “Its not that i dont like you, i just found someone better” and although that was a stupid high school fling, it always made me think that i wasnt good enough for someone. every relationship i have ever had after that always ends the same, the girl leaves me for someone else because “it became boring” well that stings honestly. and my girlfriend now just made me feel like shit. she knows that it is my biggest fear and she just flat out told me that i was being insecure and that it was starting to annoy her. yes the reason that i got upset may have been stupid and in all honesty i was more upset at the fact that she was getting dressed up tonight to go out with her sisters, i dont get mad at that by all means i want her to go out and have fun, what i get upset about is that it seems she never wants to go out with me, or if we do she throws on jeans and a top and i dont mind that at all, but i love how she looks when she gets all made up and wears her heels, but it seems like its never for me sometimes i feel i have to practiclly beg her to go out. I have always had the fear in me that she will find someone else and when she does go out i usually just worry that some other guy will sweep her off her feet and steal her away because she looks beautiful when she dresses up. I know the past always gets brought up but when she said “you almost lost me before, why try so hard now” well maybe because i just love you, maybe because i want to be with you and never lose you. again maybe i am being stupid and from now on ill just go back to just keeping everything bottled in, maybe then i wont annoy you. If all that wasnt enough she turned it on me and made me feel worse. I guess what im getting at is that i dont want to lose her to someone else simply because i am insecure.
sometimes things are a certain way and theres nothing you can do about it. im sorry that that person is in a fucked up situtation, but sometimes they just wont leave it. its not that they cant, but they just wont. im sorry that things havent gone the way you wanted them to go since you finished school, im sorry that you’re stuck working at your current job until you come home, but its not just you its allot of people. if you dont like that job then look for somthing in the area temporary until you come home, its not like the check is worth the stress you have to endure. but thats just my opinion, you do whatever you feel you have to do, but when you throw a fit like the one you just did and always tell me to just “nevermind dont come see me.” thats so far gone, we never get to see eachother and just because you get mad at me you have to push the limit and do what you just did. i Love you and i always try and support you, but if you make excuses when im telling you my opinion for other people that are basically working you like a slave, then theres nothing more i can do. i do my best to just go with it. to just bite my tounge and just listen, but at least meet me halfway please, dont always turn the tales and make me seem to be the bad guy when this is neither of our faults, but since you wont tell the person who causes all this anything, i guess im the one you take out all that frustration out on. whatever i guess, i cant act like this is new
i love her, she makes me happy and i see myself with her, but on days like these i just want her to know that she is one of the strongest people i know. she is the one person that i trust, and that i will never want to hurt her, and i never want her to hurt herself. i know that she is the one person that i want to be with because i have been doing everything i can to give us a future together because i want to make her happy, she is amazing, just last week she made me an anniversary gift that i absolutely love, it was the best present i have ever received because she put her heart into it, she made it and it was OUR story, of how far we have come. long post short, I Love You, and in a few short months we will live together, and i hope in a few years you will be walking towards me in your white dress and we can start our lives together.
Why do i always think i will be free from that fucken mistake. i always think that maybe, just maybe she could just go away. i do everything i can to try and fix it and fix it and no. Idk why that name always has to cause an argument. Well idk what more i can do, i know she will never forget it and im not asking her to, i just wish all the things i did over the past few years could possibly lighten that memory. im just venting, nothing serious but damn i dont wish i could change life, i just wish there werent certain memories that were embetted in the history of my relationship, that when the name is brought up that it causes tension