well I cant sleep. For the past few hrs i have laid in bed and not been able to sleep. I figured I would take this time to just speak my mind on the only subject I seem to know, my girlfriend. IDK what it is about me but for the most part I dont seem to care about to many things, but the things that I do care about, I care about with everything that I have, I love her more than anything itself, sometimes when we talk to one another, we do baby talk lol (yes its stupid) but who cares. There have been times in the past where I do not deserve her, Times where she should have walked away hundreds of times, and I would not have blamed her. But she is my best friend, she is the one person that has never left me, the one person that as of now I can consistently call on. I do often wish I could change my past, be the man that I am now, I wish I could change hers to where we were one anothers “first”, I could have been hers, but the way GOD works is that although im the second, I damn sire will be the last. I dont quit, I dont give up. I plan on marrying this woman, I say that in every blog i know, but truth be told I say that because I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I want to find an APT so that I can live on my own, But rest assured I would give her a key and I would want her there all the time, I have planned our life together, only thing has held me together all this time. Her name is Catherine “Rodriguez”, and the only reason her last name is in quotes is because she will have a different last name when the time is right.
Something is different. You have been more distant and I dont like it. I feel that you used to want to always talk to me, Maybe youre getting tired, I wouldnt blame you. Maybe you’re just getting bored of me, I can imagine you might. Maybe I am just going crazy. Maybe my insecurities are getting the best of me. I talk about wanting to move in with one another and you just tell me i should probably do it by myself first, I understood all the points you made were valid, but it still felt like a little slap in the face because thats all we have talked about for over a year now. Finally the last few times that we were intimate, its like that I didnt really matter, I was just there to make you feel good then yeah, apparently we were done. I bottle this up and I know that I dont show a lot of emotions but you do forget that I still have them. I love you and I love everything about you, Just let me know whats going on from time to time.
Every now and then I think that im not allowed to get slightly annoyed. I feel that I always have to put up some kind of mask at times just to keep others happy. Dont get me wrong most of the time Im so grateful to be blessed with an amazing life and an amazing girl who i adore. Lately i have thought that I have done everything I can to make her feel special, to make her feel loved. Its one thing to believe she is the most beautiful girl in the world, but its another to actually make her believe that. I admit I get a little annoyed when I see you snap chatting your ex, since there could not be any way to show me whats being received or sent probably wouldnt look good to anybody else, but there is no reason that I should ever think the worst, but every now and then I do. Today was honestly one of the days that I felt like my feelings continue to grow more and more where as hers are and have been the same for the past few weeks maybe last few months. We do everything that she wants to do, and I dont even indulge anything I want to do since i know that she doesnt want to. For the past few years I have wanted to go to a haunted house, “NO”, we went to sea world “you have to ride it by yourself babe”. and God forbid I say lets go to the yet, “you know I hate that place”. I dont ask for much, in fact I dont really ask for anything, but when you say “you suck”, “you’re so mean to me” “you’re a jerk” I know that youre kidding, but after a few dozen times i sometimes feel like you mean one or two of them. IDK, im just venting I guess, like I said, I’m truly blessed in the long run, ill just deal with it.
There are a lot of things that happen that cant be explained, the 2 biggest are coincidences and miracles. Sometimes the 2 go hand in hand. I know that everyone says that everything happens for a reason and i finally believe that. I like to think that if I had never sent a friend request, if you had never met me at the mall, if I had never went up to visit my friend at his frat and if someone had never built that shed, If we never had our heart broken by people who never technically called us their significant other but considered us a time filler around the same time. If I had never put the bottle down and picked myself up where would we be? would your life be better or worse, would I still be here? All these questions may have intertwined us, but one thing is for sure, here we are. sometimes I feel that a coincidence can simply blossom into a miracle. and thats just what you are, to a million people you may be a coincidence, but you will always be my miracle, my one.
I guess I should start by saying that lies are something that can change a day in a heartbeat. A mistake that I made 2 years ago was kept a secret because I was honestly ashamed. I know that I cant blame things on my drinking, I know that my actions were my actions. But everyday that i look at my girlfriend I think back to the time where i made a mistake. Just like any lie the truth surfaces. It shows how much of a coward that i am because it has been 2 years and I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth because I was afraid of how she would respond. Well not that the cats out of the bag and the truth had surfaced i am hoping that she would be able to see that I am not the boy that i was when we started dating, and the boy that made that mistake has grown up into a developing the man that i’m trying to be, I am not stupid i know she is hurting, but i hope she can see that I will still treat her like i have all year. I just hope that this will not kill this relationship.